I’m copying redball and taking parts of my recent twitter mentions out of context.
“Because killing people makes you sad” —- Foshiizzel
“Well you don’t really want to sound pretentious” —- Inushinde
“is funny at times… for a lewd old guy” —- Prede
“a bit fishy” —- JoeAnimated
“a retard” —- Mushyrulez
“working for an evil corp” —- Avvesione
“whoa whoa… that’s crazy talk” —- Marthaurion
“Do not want to talk to you whilst doing ‘business’” —- Kimagure
“you should write a paper on how anime blogging benefits research paper bullshitting in the long run.” —- Eric
“true Internet hero” —- uncreativecat
“I got Suguha hentai” —- MrFlawfinder
“I’ll have a double NTR with extra cheese” —- Owen
“Maybe over time she just got too used to taking Kirito’s sword that others didn’t match up.” —- Yerocha
“I await my forty four haremettes” —- Anya
“Dragg(le)ing Myself Across The Ocean Floor” —- John Sato
Kirito and Kuradeel’s Swordplay
I’ve been writing weekly, highly accurate summaries of the quality anime that is Sword Art Online. I’ve just been filling in some of the details that weren’t fit for television in this fanfiction. Here’s a sample from episode 10, on Kuradeel’s ambush of Kirito. You can check out the whole thing here. (Warning: a bit on the NSFW side, but not much more than the actual show)
Kirito heads towards the canyon. It’s time. Only one man can do swordplay with Asuna, and this battle will decide who.
Kuradeel is already at the canyon. “Kirito, Asuna made this delicious tea for me. I’ll let you have some, since this is the last time you’ll eat Asuna’s cooking.” Kuradeel tosses a bottle towards Kirito.
“Well, it’s not going to be the last time, but since you’re offering, why not? Asuna’s maxed out cooking skills make for some delicious food.” Kirito takes a swig, and the bottle disappears in his hands. “Ok, let’s duel!”
Kirito reaches behind him for his swords— his DUAL swords— but finds he can’t lift them. “What’s this? My sword feels heavy somehow, like it’s stuck in its sheath with slime. Did I forget to clean my sword after the last time I did swordplay with Asuna…?”
But before he can try again and pull harder, his knees buckle from underneath him. “What… what’s going on?!!!”
Kuradeel steps towards him. “Ah, the young. So easy to fool. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the drink I gave you wasn’t Asuna’s cooking. It was my cooking! Which, since my cooking is at Level 0, is poison!”
Kuradeel steps towards Kirito, his grin revealing his building excitement. “Kirito, it’s time for some… swordplay.”
Kuradeel mounts Kirito, grabs his sword, and thursts it between Kirito’s legs. He saws it back and forth rhythmically. Since the poison is still in effect, Kirito offers no resistance. But he begins to sweat and pant heavily.
“How does it feel, Kirito, to be penetrated by my sword?! Soon, with you gone, Lady Asuna will be able to admire the naked steel of my blade as well. Don’t worry, she won’t miss you. I don’t know what she sees in you anyway. After all, my sword is so much more massive than yours.”
Kuradeel continues grinding, and is so enthused listening to Kirito’s moaning that he doesn’t notice someone walking up behind him. But his rhythm is interrupted when he hears crying behind him.
“Kirito…” Asuna sobs. “I, I… didn’t realize…”
“Lady Asuna, I can explain!” begs Kuradeel, falling to his knees in shame. “You are the only one who is worthy of matching my swordplay. This is—”
“No, Kuradeel. That is quite alright. Please continue. I just didn’t realize that Kirito was working so hard to protect me. He didn’t think dual swords was enough, so now he is learning to wield a third between his legs. Thank you for providing a sparring partner for his training. I wish it could be me, but I see he still doesn’t trust me enough…”
Kuradeel hesitates, confused. This wasn’t how he was expecting this conversation to go.
“Yes, Lady Asuna,” Kuradeel replies. He is enjoying this, after all. If he can’t have Lady Asuna— well, this isn’t so bad either. He grips the hilt of Kirito’s sword firmly in both hands.
But before he can begin grinding the sword between Kirito’s legs, Kirito’s body arches upwards in a violent spasm. The hilt of Kirito’s massive, erect sword enters Kuradeel’s mouth. A white liquid oozes out.
“Hah, take that!” whispers Kirito so Asuna can’t hear. “While you were distracted, the poison wore off. I put some poison of my own on the sword— teleportation poison!”
As Kirito finishes speaking, Kuradeel whisks away, turning into a mirage of disintegrating crystals. “He went to town to buy some potions,” Kirito answers Asuna’s questioning glance. “You know, after I put my sword in his mouth, he needs to take some precautions or he might catch some sword-transmitted diseases (STDs).”
“Oh,” Asuna giggles. “That’s why you should leave your sword in your sheath when you practice, silly.”
“Hey, Kirito… Thank you for doing so much for me. I’m so grateful… But why won’t you train with me? Do you not trust me enough…?”
“It’s not you, Asuna. It’s me. It’s just that the third sword is such a powerful technique. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s ok, Kirito. I’m strong. You can use your high-level swordplay skills on me.”
Before Kirito can protest, Asuna sits down on top of Kirito, and puts her hands on his shoulders. Still recovering from the effects of the poison, Kirito is too weak to push her off.
“Now, Kirito! Use your tri-blades!” shouts Asuna, her hips pushing into Kirito’s.
Suddenly, without warning, Kirito’s sword begins to rise. He tries to contain it to protect Asuna, but he can’t. It’s almost as if it’s straightening of it’s own power. Fully upright, Kirito’s sword pierces Asuna, catching her unaware.
“Oh, Kirito….!” Asuna moans. “Your sword… is… inside me!” Tears streak from her eyes. “It hurts, Kirito, it hurts! This collision avoidance algorithm… this technique… it’s… inconceivable!”
“Kirito… Kirito! How can your sword be so massive!” Asuna pants. “It must be at least… seven liters! I don’t think I can contain it all!”
Witness Kirito’s marriage proposal in the full version, available here… along with parts Two, Three, and Four…
Source: blog.draggle.org
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